Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
It's official drugs can't kill me
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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