Dude my mom stole all your condoms
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
