Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Drunk is a universal language darling
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
