Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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