Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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