I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
