Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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