I think im going to throw up on grandma
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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