so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
