i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
