Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
