How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
