Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
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