i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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