My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
