my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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