he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
