i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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