Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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