the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I just found a bag of teeth...
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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