I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
