Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
id be glad to
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Randomize
