well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
There's a naked man in my car right now.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
