it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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