Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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