i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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