Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
it's like heaven, but drunker
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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