Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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