At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
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