My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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