you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
