At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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