My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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