I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Randomize
