Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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