Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I'm at about main and main street
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
