You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
