I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
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What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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