Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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