Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
