i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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