i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
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