i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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