Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
