My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
