this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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