you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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