i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
