I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
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