so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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