I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Randomize
