what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
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