You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
